Episode 153: What Values Do Your Children See When You’re Not Speaking?

What if the fastest way to help your child succeed is to stop rescuing and start coaching? I dive into the mindset and methods of mentally strong parenting, using Amy Morin’s “Thirteen Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do” as a springboard to share practical tools that work in real homes. From replacing a victim mentality with accountability to building emotional literacy and healthy boundaries, this conversation focuses on what parents can do today to raise resilient, self-reliant kids.

I share why productive struggle matters, how to set age-appropriate responsibilities, and ways to follow through without micromanaging. I discuss the trap of perfectionism and how to pivot toward excellence using the praise-criticism-praise approach that keeps motivation high. You’ll hear concrete strategies for naming emotions, teaching kids to “change the channel” on intrusive thoughts, and introducing mood busters so they can self-regulate when stress hits. Research on prosocial skills, long-term outcomes, and self-control shows why these small daily habits pay off in school, relationships, and life.

I also get candid about discipline versus punishment, why quick fixes backfire, and how consistency—plus a united front between parents—creates the safety kids need to grow. Finally, I zoom out to values: how to align household rules with what you stand for, model the behaviors you want to see, and even craft a simple family statement that turns ideals into actions. If you’re aiming for confident kids who can handle setbacks, make good decisions, and treat others with empathy, this one’s for you.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with another parent, and leave a quick rating or review to help more families find these strategies. Got thoughts or a favorite takeaway? Send me a message and let’s keep the conversation going.

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Chapters

• 1:01 Welcome And Host’s Story
• 3:35 Why Monthly Mindset Episodes
• 4:41 Book Pick And Listener Feedback
• 5:56 New Parent Overdrive And Advice
• 7:27 What Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do
• 9:44 Accountability Over Victim Mindset
• 12:05 Boundaries Versus Entitlement
• 14:45 Excellence Not Perfection
• 16:43 Let Kids Feel Pain And Emotions
• 19:27 Build Emotional Vocabulary And Tools
• 23:29 Discipline, Punishment, And Consistency
• 27:09 Align Actions With Family Values
• 29:02 Four Key Takeaways And Clean Joke
• 30:44 Listener CTA And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:36

Welcome to another episode of K-12 Public Education Insights, Empowering Parents of Color Podcast. The podcast that converges at the intersection of educational research and parental actions. It's about making the trends, topics, and theories in public education understandable so that you can implement them into practical, actionable strategies that work for your children. My name is Dr. Kim J. Fields, former corporate manager, turned education researcher, and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast. I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African-American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system. I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system. Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress. This battle-tested experience is what I provide as action steps for you to take. It's like enjoying a bowl of educational research with a sprinkling of motherwood wisdom on top. If you're looking to find out more about the current information and issues in education that could affect you or your children, and the action steps you can take to give your children the advantages they need, then you're in the right place. Thanks for tuning in today. I know that staying informed about K-12 public education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening. Give me 30 minutes or less, and I'll provide insights on the latest trends, issues, and topics pertaining to this constantly evolving K-12 public education environment. You're more than a parent. You're a person with individual needs, wants, and desires. You show up for your family, friends, and children. While you support your children through their educational attainment journey, you also need support because you can't help your child be his or her best if you're not at your best. These end of the month episodes are dedicated to helping you on a personal level feel supported and empowered to elevate your parenting journey. I call these once-a-month episodes the half-hour headway: Quick Tips for Initiating Transformation. In this episode, I thought I'd do something different in a way. I'm kind of weird in that I love doing research on topics that interest me, and the fun part about that is that based on my training, I compare the key ideas from several sources. I decided to explore what some of the latest books about parenting mindset, raising successful children, and thinking outside the box for parents would reveal. This is the first book I'll be reviewing on this once-a-month episode, and the book is Thirteen Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do by Amy Morin. It's impossible to read every text or magazine article or blog about parenting, but some of the information can prove useful. I hope you find this information valuable for you. Let me know what you think about me discussing certain books from time to time on these once a month episodes by sending me a text message on my podcast website, K12Education Insights.buzzbrout.com. You can leave me that text message and let me know by simply stating start, stop, or continue with these types of book review episodes. Congratulations, you've become a parent. There's no manual you can go to to teach you all things parenting, so you learn as you go. Your first child is the experiment, and because you want to do everything quote unquote right, you might go a little bit overboard in every area. For example, you record the precise measurements of length and weight. You test the temperature of their bath water with a thermometer. You make sure that when they start to eat foods, they eat food in the strict order that the pediatrician recommended. And you feel that there is no one who could take better care of your child than you. If perchance they caught a cold because you had to leave them at daycare when you went back to work, you quit your job because those people were not taking care of your child as well as you could. Oh wait, that might have just happened in my case. Anyway, seeking the advice of mothers, aunts, friends, etc. who had kids before you could be a good thing. Gleaning tidbits of information from experts who specialize in parenting could also be beneficial. You take what applies to you and discard the rest. Do you consider yourself a mentally strong parent? I reveal what this book Thirteen Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do by Amy Morin may add to your knowledge and understanding of what mentally strong parents don't do to raise children who are self aware, self assured, and resilient. Let's gain some insights on this. Frederick Douglass once said it's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. So while they're under your roof, how can you ensure that you're teaching your kids the right skills and values? What do your children need most in order to become self-reliant, responsible, and happy adults? Raising self-assured children and training their brains for a life of happiness, meaning, and success is the ultimate goal when we have children. Parents want their children to have the best possible future, but you might be surprised to learn that positive emotional and behavioral development are just as integral to success as academic achievement. These are the eight key ideas from this book. Mentally strong parents promote accountability, sponsorability, and perseverance over a victim mentality. There is very little in life that benefits a person as much as learning to be mentally strong. A mentally strong person is more likely to turn setbacks into opportunities and face challenges without feeling sorry for himself or herself. You may be thinking, what's the best way to raise a mentally strong child? The answer is by practicing good, healthy habits yourself, which makes you capable of passing them on to your child. For example, it's natural to defend your child when they've been wronged. The age of social media has led many parents to encourage feelings of victimhood in response to every slight. Mentally strong parents don't do this. At the end of the day, you want your child to be empowered to handle life's challenges rather than always seeing himself or herself as the victim of circumstance. Giving up should not be an option. Stepping in to help your child during periods of productive struggle enables them with a learned helplessness response. Encourage your child to persist in overcoming challenges, handling responsibilities, and keeping them accountable because this will create an environment in which they believe change is possible. Mentally strong parents don't let their children avoid responsibility. Instead of letting your child blame others for his or her problems, hold your child accountable and let him or her face the consequences of his or her actions. If you don't, how is the child supposed to learn to cope with the inevitable injustices they will face in life? Mentally strong parents teach their children healthy ways to deal with guilt and fear. Most parents, and that is about 94%, feel that they're not being good parents and sometimes feel guilty about their parenting decisions. But having too much anxiety about being a quote unquote bad parent can lead to the mistake of making parenting decisions using guilt as your guide. The problem with guilt is that it encourages parents to give in to their child's demands, which temporarily allows them to avoid feeling guilty in that moment. If the guilt is warranted, then it may be a sign that you need to change your behavior. But if the guilt isn't warranted, don't catastrophize. Forgive yourself and remember that you are a role model for your child. Model good behavior. It's also important to teach your child self-reliance so that they are equipped for the transition to adulthood. Mentally strong parents set strong boundaries so that their children don't think that the world revolves around them or that they don't get the idea that they hold power over you. It's one thing to want your child to believe in him or herself. But being convinced that your child is exceptional can lead to a sense of entitlement. The danger with this is a diminished capacity for empathy, perpetual dissatisfaction, and a belief that the child shouldn't have to try hard to get what he or she wants. Some parents overdo this by showering their children with affection to overcompensate for lack they experienced in their own childhoods. This is the time to teach your child humility, not overindulgence. Praise your children with the effort they put in to accomplish a goal and then introduce gratitude as a way to acknowledge the things they're grateful for in their lives. Feelings of awe can also offer a new sense of perspective, giving your child opportunities to experience awe, like witnessing a natural wonder or visiting a dinosaur exhibit. Remind your child that he or she is in the presence of something greater than themselves. Also, to truly empower your child, it's important to establish a clear hierarchy within your household. This means setting rules, boundaries, and limitations without wavering, following through with consequences, offering rewards instead of bribes, and presenting a united front with your partner. Trust me, your child knows the difference between you and your partner and will use that, especially if you're not on the same page to get what he or she wants. If they get away with this once, they'll do it again. Therefore, a united front is key. This is necessary because too much power is not good for your child's development. The whole reason that the child pushes boundaries is to be assured that you have things under control. When you demonstrate mental fortitude, your child will learn to trust himself or herself and make good decisions. Mentally strong parents don't expect perfection or intervene every time their child makes a mistake. Putting too much pressure on a child is just not healthy. The best thing to do is to encourage your child to strive for excellence, not perfection. Instead of overcriticizing, say words of praise and offer the praise, criticism, praise sandwich. It could go something like this good job cleaning your room. I noticed that you didn't put your shoes away in the closet, but you made your bed very well. Parents who push too hard for perfection instead of excellence end up micromanaging and overstepping their boundaries. As a result, these so-called helicopter parents risk their children failing to learn how to bounce back from mistakes. The long-term consequences of this can lead to an inability to acknowledge and deal with setbacks, and this can lead to difficulty transitioning into adulthood, discomfort making decisions without input, and problems taking care of emotional and physical needs. Instead, mentally strong parents help their children learn and grow from mistakes by teaching them that what matters is how they overcome problems. You can explain to them that you make mistakes, you learn from them, and that we're all a work in progress. Mentally strong parents don't shelter their children from pain. It's absolutely normal to want to protect your children from discomfort, but not letting them experience pain sends them the message that they're fragile. When children learn how to cope with the stresses of life, such as the death of a loved one, job loss for a parent, etc., they build self-esteem and problem-solving skills. They realize that they are capable, competent, and resilient. On the other hand, children who never learned how to manage pain may become adults who spend their whole lives trying to avoid pain through unhealthy coping mechanisms. When you acknowledge and deal with pain, especially emotional pain, rather than minimizing it or denying it, it heightens your senses and makes you better able to realize and recognize joy. You also become more empathetic and understanding of the world around you, making it easier to relate to people and build social bonds. Also, pain captures your attention and makes you very aware of what's happening in the present moment, giving you valuable insights into mindfulness. Mentally strong parents do not prevent their children from experiencing the whole spectrum of human emotions. Many parents are uncomfortable with open displays of negative feelings. They might change the subject or try to cheer their children up rather than letting them experience sadness or hurt. This is usually not the best approach because when children are learning to manage difficult emotions, they need validation and support, not distraction. If they can't tolerate feeling sad, they'll be less willing to take risks later on because of the fear of failure or rejection. So let your child build his or her mental and emotional muscles by fully experiencing a wide range of emotions. This is the healthiest approach since your children won't be able to avoid boredom, guilt, disappointment, or frustration their entire lives. You can teach your child how to deal with his or her emotions early on. Being able to resolve challenges without aggression, manipulation, or falling prey to unhealthy habits pays off in adulthood. Researchers at Penn State University indicated that children who exhibit more pro-social skills like getting along with others and sharing at age five are more likely to finish college and have a full-time job by the age of 25. Meanwhile, kindergartners who struggle with the skills of getting along with others and sharing are less likely to finish school and are more at risk for substance abuse and legal issues. Introduce the concept of emotional intelligence to your family and try talking about your own feelings and asking your children to elaborate on theirs. To build an emotional vocabulary, encourage your children to describe what they're feeling rather than merely the specific action that made them upset. For example, your child may ask, why would she have chocolate ice cream at her birthday party? This may be something as simple as changing the script and saying, I'm annoyed. Using specific feeling words such as nervous, annoyed, anxious, etc., can help your children identify their emotions and take responsibility for them. Let your children know that it's okay to feel the way they feel and teach them mood busters so that they don't end up being stuck in their emotions. This will promote self-awareness, which is an essential aspect of managing emotions. You can have them do something as simple as writing a list of things that make them feel happy, like playing outside or drawing pictures. Together, you can brainstorm healthy ways for your children to take control of their mood, calm themselves down, or cheer themselves up. Teaching children to open quote change the channel, close quote, can help them change their behavior by changing their thoughts. For example, the next time your child feels anxious, tell him or her to think about panda bears for 30 seconds. Then tell him or her to think of anything except panda bears for 30 seconds. Most children report that panda bears keep appearing in their thoughts. Then give your child a simple task that requires his or her full attention, like sorting a deck of cards by suit in 30 seconds. When he or she has finished, ask if they thought about panda bears, and usually the answer will be no. This can show your child how changing his or her behavior can help change his or her thoughts. You can find other healthy ways to quote unquote change the channel in the future, like shooting hoops or baking cupcakes. Mentally strong parents understand the difference between discipline and punishment. It goes without saying, raising a child requires a lot of energy. When you're low on reserves, you may be tempted to fall back onto the easiest, quickest measures to get your children to behave, things like yelling, punishment, or shaming. But what's the cost of this type of punishment? Children who are yelled at or publicly humiliated may become sophisticated liars and poor decision makers as adults, according to the research. Some researchers even suggest that spanking has proven to increase aggression, behavioral problems, and mental health issues. This author points out that these points have been proven by the research, although this is where I disagree with her findings. Based on my experience, spanking helps to reinforce the correct behavioral problems because there's something about that pain that brings remembrance to your prior actions. And children typically want to avoid those actions as much as possible. The thing about punishment is that it focuses on your child's mistakes, whereas healthy discipline, on the other hand, focuses on learning and improving. I think that both have their place, and there should be a balance between healthy discipline and what the author calls harsh punishment. Children need to understand the rules, boundaries, and limitations of the household they live in and recognize their parents as the ultimate authority figures. Mentally strong parents avoid quick fixes. Do you ever find yourself taking problem-related shortcuts like giving in to your child when he or she whines and screams? Or you end up cleaning a messy room when your child refuses to do so? Or do you use emotion-related shortcuts to temporarily relieve stress, like taking the family to the park to put off dealing with the situation? All of these tactics teach your children that it's okay to take shortcuts when confronted with difficult circumstances. Instead of the shortcuts, show your children the importance of persistence. Help them set goals, such as reading a certain number of books over a summer vacation, for example. According to researchers at Stanford University, children with self-control to wait for a reward rather than receiving a small reward right away had better outcomes later in life, including superior SAT scores and a decreased likelihood of obesity or drug use 30 years later. Whatever the disciplinary measures you use, it takes hard work to be consistent, but it's vital that you are. Give yourself time to recharge your batteries and utilize self-care to nourish your internal well-being and provide you with the energy you need to keep making the best choices for you and your children. The last key point is that mentally strong parents make sure their actions match their values. As a parent, you're juggling many things all the time, every day. But the final thing mentally strong parents do is zoom out, play the long game, and consider the big picture. Are your children learning the right life lessons? Children learn your values from what you do more than what you say. Do you prioritize achievement over kindness, for example? So how do you put values into practice? One way proposed by the author is by creating a family mission statement. Parents can get together to discuss the values they want their children to learn. Then they organize the family meeting to ask questions such as what makes us a family? And what kinds of things are we able to accomplish as a family? Now, this may or may not be practical for your situation, but you can certainly reiterate the family's values when rules have been broken. The important thing is to teach your values early by modeling and explaining what they are when your children are preschoolers. You may say, for example, I'm helping with the school fundraising activities because it's important to stay engaged with your school and to ensure that they have the resources they need for you to do well in school. This way your children will learn that mentally strong people use what they have to try to make the world a better place. These are the four things to take away from this review. One, guilt and fear can lead to poor parenting choices. Two, a praise, criticism, praise sandwich can motivate your child to do his or her best. Three, utilizing various forms of discipline help to reinforce family values. And four, taking shortcuts negates messages about what matters most for your family and your children. As is the usual case with these end-of-the-month episodes, I end with relevant quotes or a clean joke. I share this joke for your amusement. Two kids, aged eight and six, decide they should start cursing. So the eight-year-old says, Let's start at breakfast. You say ass and I'll say hell. So they go downstairs and sit down for breakfast. The mother looks at the eight-year-old and says, What do you want for breakfast? He says, Oh hell, I guess I want some Cheerios. The mother spanks him on the butt and sends him upstairs. He cries the whole way. She then asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast. He says, I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios. Did you enjoy this episode? If so, go to my podcast website at K12Education Insights.budsprout.com and leave me a text message about how you're enjoying my show. You can go to the episode description page and click on the Send Me a Text Message link. The website again is K12Education Insights.budsprout.com and leave me a text message. Thanks for listening today. Be sure to come back in the K12 Educational Discussions with even more exciting topics to get the insights on. Until next time, if you want something every day.